Capacity for Comfort

This is the second instalment in a series that I’ll be sharing over the year. It is an explanation, an invitation, and an exploration in itself.

I struggle to find comfort when I’ve exceeded my capacity.

On those days, I sit, motionless, vacillating between extreme emotion and mindless distraction. This is a strategy I’ve cultivated over the years so that I can process my feelings in manageable chunks. It is a practice of self-soothing that I simultaneously dread and in which I take pride.

How unlucky, and yet perfectly sensical, that an introvert should find themselves so undoubtedly wedded to the art of music. The form, the field, the industry, the community. My marriage with music began in solitude. But now, I am told with painstaking repetition that to pursue this career, I must be undeniably visible in my relationship with music. Performative in my pursuit of performance. Go to all the gigs; introduce yourself; make small talk; make deep talk; talk yourself up; turn up; donate your energy; volunteer your spirit; create conversation; ask questions; be there, show your face; share your mind; pledge your time and always stay kind.

These things aren’t wrong. They are not bad. But, sometimes, they take their toll. How unlucky, and perfectly confronting, for an introvert to find themselves here. Understand me clearly: I am honoured and taken aback whenever someone invests their time and conversation in me. I enjoy learning from and connecting with people. Music is social. And what a beautiful way to socialise.

But I process things slowly. Especially things I care about. I always have. So, I need to sit with these social gifts in manageable chunks. A practice of self-worth that I simultaneously crave and overthink. I retreat to find breath between the words that I so treasure from your lips and the ones that crowd the waiting room in my mind. Sometimes people get stuck in the spinning door of my anxiety and I need to sit still before the cogs will re-align.

How lucky, and perfectly serendipitous, that an introvert should find themselves here. Wedded to the very gift that aids this navigation. See, I’m private about my relationships but fiercely proud of them too. This month, I am bleeding with the full moon. Manifested release. Creation and movement. Some things are just for me. So, I seek comfort & nurture my capacity.